Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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