I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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