I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
