My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
