If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
