Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
