I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
