my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
