I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
