Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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