At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
