his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
