she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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