I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
