Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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