my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Two words: nipple clamps
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