Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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