I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
