my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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