I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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