Well apparently he's into motor boating.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
