So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
