Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
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I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
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If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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