Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
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But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
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You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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