I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Randomize
