The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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