i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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