Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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