he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
