she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
