I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize