I'm sorry my penis didn't work
it wasn't lemon gatorade
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
