just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
We need to get me chipped asap
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
