I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
