It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
