god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
