woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
