Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
