I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
