Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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