seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
