a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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