so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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