She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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