meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
