Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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