Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
where are my eyebrows?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
