she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
