I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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