i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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