So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Just cropdusted the office
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
