hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
