I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
