You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
