don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
