i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
