made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
