cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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