I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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