i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
