you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
