I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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